My sheets look like a crime scene.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
