Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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