between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
