god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
