Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
