I'm going to jail i love you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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