yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
