I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
