you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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