Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
