i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
