There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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