Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Randomize
