we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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