I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
