Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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