i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
