I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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