I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
