I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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