Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
