Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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