Im at strip club and am horny
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
