I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
