I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
