I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
