What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
