winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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