why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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