You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
