Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
