Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
