the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
