I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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