I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
