I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
