Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
