i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
