When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
