Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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