I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
