i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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