totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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