yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
