Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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