there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
