I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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