they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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