Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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