Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
