just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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